MULLIGANS & GIMME'S
A collection of Notes & Quotes from our Top 100 Golf Adventures

     (Updated 3/6/10 - 9:23 p.m. - By Jim Allen) ... It seems like it took forever, but the Golfest 2010 - Florida countdown clock finally got below triple digits.  Yes ..., there are less than 100 days until 16 golfers from six different states invade the Sunshine State for a week of much needed golf.  On tap are 126-holes of the best golf holes that the state can dish up at seven different golf venues.  Four of those are rated on the prestigious TOP 100 Public Golf Courses in the United States list by Golf Digest.

     The tour will kick off at the picturesque Legacy Course at the Reunion Resort on May 26th and ends six days later at the Ocean Hammock Resort on the Palm Coast. Sandwiched in between are outings at Arnold Palmer's famous Bay Hill Club, World Woods Pine Barrens Course and the one and only Stadium Course at TPC Sawgrass.  How cool is that?  The group is also expected to spend some quality time at the World Golf Hall of Fame in St. Augustine.  This is shaping up to be a great road show!

     Speaking of shaping up, this is typically the time of the year most of the Golfestians attempt to get their golf game in order.  You know what I mean ... time to dial in the driver, fine-tune the short game, and finesse the putter to perfection.  However, unruly weather throughout the country has made that kind of tough to do ... not to mention everybody is working hard to survive in our wayward economy. 

You've been pretty quiet on the Tiger Woods deal.  What do you think really happened?  Signed Curious.

Woods Fan,

I have a theory that is different from anything you have heard.  Here is what I think really happened on that fateful night in November.   Elin discovered that Tiger was playing around with some non-sanctioned playing partners and the expected heated argument broke out.  As a woman scorned, she violently attacked the world's most famous athlete with a golf club or other blunt object and in the process, Tiger broke his jaw, lost some teeth, and received an assortment of bruises.  Once the yelling and screaming subsided, she realized that she seriously hurt him and the rules changed.  Together they quickly concocted the idea of staging a car crash to cover up what law enforcement typically calls "assault with a deadly weapon."

      After all, Tiger didn't want or need the biggest of all long term distractions --- having the mother of his children labeled as an attempted murderer.  At that point, Tiger duck-hooks his Escalade into a tree in his own driveway in a weak attempt to justify his previously sustained injuries.  And it was weak!  Did you see the photos of the crash?  I've flipped golf carts harder than that and walked away without spilling my cocktail.  Here is the strangest twist:  Despite Tiger's unauthorized putter action, Elin is probably not going to leave him.  The main reason is that Tiger can always come clean and get her charged with attempted murder and ruin her life forever!  After all, while cheating is wrong, assault is a crime!   Think about that concept for a while.  MM


MM Guy,

I have suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me.  There are all the usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.  My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."  I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.  Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

      Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my Callaway golf clubs.  This way I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".  When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.  Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?  Signed ... What do you think?

Golf Enthusiast,

Always have the hard work done by a professional. MM


Mully,

I am the General Manager of a great golf course in North Carolina.  I have responsibility for everything from financials, to course conditions and employees.  I would also like to mention that I have the serious "hots" for one of our bartenders in the clubhouse, who also assist me with our bookkeeping.  She has it all!  She's smart -- a graduate of Duke, and she has more curves than the road course at Watkins Glen.  She is a cross between Jessica Alba and Fergie.  Heck, I can barely think straight when I'm around her. 

     The other day, we were in the closed confines of my office doing budgeting for the new year.  In a lame attempt to quit staring down her shirt, I decided to test her math skills and asked her the following budgeting question:   "If I were to give you $25,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"  Mulligan Man, what is the correct answer?  Signed GM

GM

The correct answer is "EVERYTHING but her earrings!" MM

Mulligan Man,

I have an embarrassing topic to bring up with you Mulligan Man.  I've noticed that I don't look good in my favorite golf shirts anymore, especially now that I have hit my 40's and gained some weight.  I saw a photograph of my foursome at a recent golf tournament and realized that I have what can best be described as man boobs -- or as my wife calls them ... MOOBS.  Like I said, it's embarrassing.  I need help!!!   I've heard of a French invention that is supposed to reduce man boobs by 40%.  What's it called?  Signed MOOBMan.

MOOBMan (never said that before),

It's called a Treadmill! MM

Yo ... Mully,
I keep hearing that all of the top players on the PGA tour are shooting for the rare Grand Slam.  I'm not exactly sure what it is.  Can you inform a fellow hacker?  Signed ... Need to be informed.
BTBI,
This may be hard to believe, but the Mulligan Man has actually achieved a Grand Slam, so I'm not sure it's that rare.  Let me explain.  I had to hit a seven-iron approach shot around a tree and over a small creek to a pretty big green.  Unfortunately, my ball nailed a branch, richocheted back and hit me in the knee and then bounced into the water.  That was one stroke for the seven-iron, two shots for touching the ball, and a drop to get out of the creek.  That's four shots in one swing -- the alleged rare Grand Slam. MM


Mulligan Man,
I read somewhere that the average golfer who carries his own bag, walks about 900 miles a year.  The same study found that golfers drink, on average, about 22 gallons of alcohol a year.  What do you make of that data?  Signed ... Just the Facts.
JtF,
Based on that, I would say that the average golfer gets 41 miles to the gallon. MM
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