Dear Santa,

     It was a great year for golf and depending on your definition of good, I was really good all year.  I didn’t drop too many cuss words after missing short putts and I didn’t wing my driver down the fairway a single time after topping and dribbling my drive the usual 15 yards away from the tee box.  In addition, I avidly supported our great game by calling in sick several times so that I could support my local course during these tough economic times.  Based on all of that good news, I have prepared my wish list for this Christmas season.

     (1). I wish that you would give me enough talent to get out of a sand trap.  My Uncle Buck is still recovering from his groin injuries after I skulled one out of the trap and scored a direct hit in his privates with a Callaway cruise missile.  If you don’t do it for Uncle Buck, do it for all of the scarred trees, displaced animals, dented carts, the massive amounts of displaced sand and the next generation of sterile golfers.  Either that, or give me a sand wedge that is shaped like a shovel.

     (2). Santa ..., I really need your help with this one -- please speed up the game.  One round in Michigan took so long that I actually missed baseball season.  If a 23-handicapper needs to take three practice swings from two feet, only to lip out and have an eight-foot return putt, that idiot should be run over and dragged 18-holes by your sleigh.

     (3). Please generously apply some of your special Christmas "mojo" and magic dust on my putter.  There should be no reason why I can sink a 50-foot triple breaker on a two-tiered green for a “9,” but can’t make a simple uphill three footer for a birdie.

     (4). In a politically correct sort of way, tell my family that I no longer want socks, ties, underwear, golf related paperweights, a “World's Best Dad” bumper sticker, tee shirts with stupid sayings, another Norelco razor, garden work gloves, or talking fish for Christmas gifts.  Keep it simple with box after box of Nike Power Distance golf balls.  It's the gift that keeps on giving -- at least 12 times.  Bow optional.

     (5). I really would like a driver that performs like those descriptive ads in Golf Digest.  How does “dynamic moment of inertia, with extra weighting in the heel that pulls the center of gravity and increases launch and lowers spin with a quad-keel sole” -- turn into a wild 40-yard duck hook that ricochets off of seven trees and calmly comes to a rest on the green two holes away?  Isn’t that false advertising?

     (6). Please Santa ..., and I am asking this from the bottom of my heart ..., please, please, please ..., outlaw knickers and those bright and atrocious looking Argyle sweaters from golf courses.  A couple of weeks ago I couldn’t tell if I was staring at a giant bumblebee on the fairway, or if somebody threw up a giant box of crayons.

     (7). How about bringing me a scoring system for golf like the one they use for ice skating at the Olympics.  Throw out the high score (a nine), and the low score (a four) and WAHLAAA ... you have the final result.  With my handicap, I am guaranteed to come out ahead.  It may be the only way I have to shoot my age before I die.    

     (8). I also need you to bring me consistency in beverage cart pricing.  A couple weeks ago, I bought two cocktails, two sandwiches, and a candy bar at my muni course and it cost only 20 bucks.  I bought the same thing at Pelican Hill and had to fill out a credit application.  Damn ..., I’m really going to miss my first born kid.

     (9). Don’t ever … EVER … EVER … let Tiger Woods get hurt again!  Watching the alleged FedEx Cup “shootout” without a difference maker, left me no choice but to watch Raiders and Lions football games.  That was more depressing than watching my 401K plummet.  I was so disenchanted and bored that I put my Christmas lights up in September.  The poor kids were really confused at Halloween.

     (10). And finally … Please make all of those golf training aids easier to use.  The other day, while training with my Medicus - Gyro Golf Trainer - Smart Path - Swing Temp Guide - Arm Master device, I got caught up in my garage door opener, gave myself a black eye, started bleeding from a massive scar-inducing wedgie, impaled my five-iron in the water heater, broke the tail light of my Yukon, and seriously injured my cat.  There has got to be an easier way!

Best Holiday Wishes to All,

CRASH! ...