There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.
     The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'
     So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it.
     He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
     The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'
     The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'
     The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for.
     The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'


     A golfer was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
     His wife told him; "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
     The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
     Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.


     Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
     Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"
     "Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"
     "Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.
     "Yes, I did," replied Chuck.
     "Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.
     "Why, yes, it did," said Chuck.
     "Why are you asking me these questions?"
     The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!"
     The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"
     The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.
     Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
     "Well," Chuck said, "I think I'll try opening my stance a little."

     An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
     On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
      The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!" 


     A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
     “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its ass. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the cow’s ass. That’s when I made my mistake.”
     “What did you do?” asks the doctor.
     “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”


     Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome.
     A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?” They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.
     They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.” She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.
     The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “Ok, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”
     Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
     They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
     She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”
     Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
     She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”


     An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in sheer amazement.
     The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes.
He then took a putter to get it out and on to the fairway again.
     Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer.
     The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green.  He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green.  He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
     At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he's really in serious trouble!"