The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
     He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
    The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."  


    When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard?


      Jimmy's wife constantly nags him to teach her to play golf.  Finally, one morning he relents and he takes her to the club.
     On the first hole a 179 yards par-3, he up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing."  He hits a nice shot and lands on the green 30 feet to the cup.
     His wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, side swipes a second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it.
     The husband looks at her in shock and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."


     A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.  On the third hole he made par when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.  The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.
     As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.  He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 74, beating his previous best game by 5 strokes. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.  Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
     The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"
     "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
     The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
     The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you.  She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

      A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
     She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
     He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
     She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
     Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
     He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
     What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
     "No, I won't," he responded.
     "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
     With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
     She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
     "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.  "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

    
      A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
     "I have some good news and some bad news." Says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
     "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
     "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
     "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
     The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
     "Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
     "That's great." said the surgeon.
     "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
     "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side effects."
     "Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"