Greg was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in  critical condition and in ICU.  The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.  As he hung up he realized he was leaving wh at was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.  He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... 
     Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.  He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
     The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!  It's just as well you went ahead a nd finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!  For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her  care giver!  She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care." 
     The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed... The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead.  What'd you shoot?"


     John and Helen met while on vacation and John fell head over heels "In Love" with her.  But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, and concerts, he was convinced that it was true love. 
     And so ... on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. 
     "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his newfound lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"
     Helen took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker."
     "I see," John replied.  "That's a problem, for sure."
     He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought.  Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."


     Bob was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
     "It's the wife" said Bob. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
     "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!" 


      A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year.
     "In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring," the American said.
     "Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time.  Snow and cold are no object to us," said the Scot.
     "Well, what do you do; paint your balls black," asked the American.
     "No", said the Scot "we just put on an extra sweater or two."


    Two priests are having lunch.  One priest says to the other priest, "I have sinned. I have used profanity." Startled, the other priest tells him it might be ok in reference to the text it was used.  He tells him that he was playing golf. The following conversation ensued...

     Priest 1: Well, I drove the ball 350 yards right onto the green and right next to the cup.
     Preist 2: You used profanity for that?
     Priest 1: No. Just as I was walking up to putt, a bird swooped down and picked up my ball, carried it off, and dropped it in the pond.
     Priest 2: So then you used profanity?
     Priest 1: No. Then a huge snapping turtle came out of the pond with my ball and dropped it almost in the same spot it had landed in the first place.
     Priest 2: Well, you must have said whatever you said then?
     Priest 1: No. Then this twister came, I ran, and when I came back my ball was gone again.
     Priest 2: You got to be kidding? I would have sworn then. Did you?
     Priest 1: No. Then that same bird came back and he had my ball in its mouth and dropped it back on the green, 6 inches from the hole. So I ran up to the ball so I could knock it in...
     Priest 2: Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt...