GOLF JOKES 13

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A Quest to Play the Top 100 Public Golf Courses in the United States

A Quest to Play the Top 100 Public Golf Courses

GOLF JOKES 13

     Bob was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
     "It's the wife" said Bob. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
     "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

      A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year.
     "In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring," the American said.
     "Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us," said the Scot.
     "Well, what do you do; paint your balls black," asked the American.
     "No", said the Scot "we just put on an extra sweater or two."

    Two priests are having lunch. One priest says to the other priest, "I have sinned. I have used profanity." Startled, the other priest tells him it might be ok in reference to the text it was used. He tells him that he was playing golf. The following conversation ensued...

     Priest 1: Well, I drove the ball 350 yards right onto the green and right next to the cup.
     Preist 2: You used profanity for that?
     Priest 1: No. Just as I was walking up to putt, a bird swooped down and picked up my ball, carried it off, and dropped it in the pond.
     Priest 2: So then you used profanity?
     Priest 1: No. Then a huge snapping turtle came out of the pond with my ball and dropped it almost in the same spot it had landed in the first place.
     Priest 2: Well, you must have said whatever you said then?
     Priest 1: No. Then this twister came, I ran, and when I came back my ball was gone again.
     Priest 2: You got to be kidding? I would have sworn then. Did you?
     Priest 1: No. Then that same bird came back and he had my ball in its mouth and dropped it back on the green, 6 inches from the hole. So I ran up to the ball so I could knock it in...
     Priest 2: Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt...

     Three old guys are out playing golf.
     First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
     Second one says, "No, it' Thursday!"
     Third one says, "So am I. Let's go to the club house and get a beer."

     Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:
     That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life.
     Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"
     "Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back."

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
     Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
     The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
     Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
     "It's over here in the pussy willows."
     The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"