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A Quest to Play the Top 100 Public Golf Courses in the United States
A Quest to Play the Top 100 Public Golf Courses
GOLF JOKES 15
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels wonderful, but I think my thumb is still broken. ...
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Two men walk up to a relatively long par three.
The golfer says to his caddy, "Looks like a 4-wood and a putter."
The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet in front of him.
The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds, "It looks like you got one hell of a putt left!"
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted. "Anything the matter, mate," Harry asked.
"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied. "He's just been trying to correct my stance."
"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.
"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"
Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.
Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow.
One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics. The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready.
The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out. The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the club face 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.
The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.
As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?"
The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
An amateur was talking to his golf pro.
Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?''
Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''
Amateur: "About 130.''
Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back !?''
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit.
He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.
Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf.
Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."
A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway.
Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers. Then a fairy appeared.
She said "Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth's beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!"
"Well, thanks," the man replied, "but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels wonderful, but I think my thumb is still broken. ...
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?
O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Two men walk up to a relatively long par three.The golfer says to his caddy, "Looks like a 4-wood and a putter."
The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet in front of him.
The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds, "It looks like you got one hell of a putt left!"
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted. "Anything the matter, mate," Harry asked.
"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied. "He's just been trying to correct my stance."
"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.
"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"
Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.
Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow.
One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics. The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready.
The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out. The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the club face 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.
The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.
As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?"
The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
An amateur was talking to his golf pro.
Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?''
Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''
Amateur: "About 130.''
Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back !?''
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit.
He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.
Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf.
Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."
A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway.
Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers. Then a fairy appeared.
She said "Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth's beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!"
"Well, thanks," the man replied, "but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"
This site was created on June 15, 2007.
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