Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.


     A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
     His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
     "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."


     A married couple is out for their weekly round of golf, enjoying a great day and great play. But on the 9th green, something terrible happens. The wife screams in agony and collapses to the green.
     "Oh no," the husband exclaims, "you're having a heart attack!"
     "Help me, dear," the wife implores, "find a doctor."
     The husband runs off as fast as he can to find a doctor. He returns to the green quickly, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
     His wife raises her head off the green and glares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting!?" she asks incredulously.
     "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly. "I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
     "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" the wife valiantly asks.
     "No time at all," her husband answers, while practicing his stroke. 
     "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

     So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
     She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
     The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1."
     "That was my ball," the guy said.
     "What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says "Titleist 3."
     "Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan." 


     A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. 
     When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
     The wife said, "Do you live here?"
     "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
     The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
     "Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
      The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. 
     The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
     The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."
     The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
     She replied, "3 years."
     The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
     To which she responded, "31 years old."
     The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?" 


     A woman is cleaning out her attic and comes across a small box. She opens it and finds 3 golf balls and $250.00. When her husband comes home she questions him and he finally admits that every time he was unfaithful to her he put a golf ball in the box.
     She immediately goes ballistic and starts yelling at him, but as she is doing so she thinks "30 years of marriage and only 3 golf balls."
     She calms down and says, "What you have done is not nice but I'll forgive you. However, I still don't know what the $250.00 is all about.
     Her husband looks up at her and timidly says, "Well darling, every time I had collected a dozen balls I would sell them."
 

      On the day after his Master's victory, Tiger Woods tried to enter this very exclusive golf club.
     He was stopped at the gate by a security guard who said,"I am sorry sir but this club does not allow black people to enter.  However, if you would still like to play, there is an excellent public course about a 3 wood down this road."
     Tiger responds, "But I am Tiger Woods!"
     The guard replies, "I am terribly sorry I did not recognize you. In that case the other course is an easy 5 iron down the road." 

 
Q: What is a golfer's favorite soft drink?
A: Slice


     One day Jesus, Moses, and some old guy were playing golf. Jesus teed off and it landed in the water, so he walked on the water to retrieve the ball.
     Moses was next, he hit the ball into the water so he parted the water and got his ball.
     Then the old man teed off it was heading for the water too when a fish swallowed the ball. But before the fish returned into the water a heron grabbed the fish and the heron flew over the green and the fish dropped the ball into the cup for an ace.
     Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your father." 


      What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation?
     You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!


The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number ONE thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
 

     A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.
     "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said from the ground, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."
     "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell, 'fore'."
     "I'll take it!", said the attorney.

      My friend, when asked about his game replied, "It's a lot like masterbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch." 


     An avid golfer dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and tells him that he has a tee time at Heaven's replica course of Pebble Beach and that some of his old golfing friends are already at the tee waiting for him. Furthermore, he has a starting time the next morning at the replica of St. Andrews and that he can check in after that for his future starting times. He joins his old friends and has a fine day at Pebble. His golf is not perfect (that would be Hell) but he is striking the ball well, has back his old vigor, and is ready to go the next morning at St. Andrews.
     When he checks in the next day, St Peter inquires about his game and asks him if there is anything else that can be done to make his stay more enjoyable.
     "Well, St. Peter" says the golfer, "This is fantastic. If it hadn't been for all that Oat Bran my wife had been feeding me, I could have been here 7 years ago."       


      The golfer hit his drive into the adjacent water hazard on the first hole. He walked over to look for his ball and saw it about six feet out from the shore in shallow water. He took his ball retriever from his bag, extended it and reached out into the water and got his ball. As he was drying it off, he heard a voice speak to him.
     "Hey, mister," the voice said.
     He looked around and saw no one. He started back to drop his ball along the ball's line of flight as it went into the hazard.
     "Hey, mister," the voice said again.
     He looked down amongst the weeds and grass growing by the water and saw a frog. This time he was looking at the frog when it said, "Hey, mister."
     "Yeah? What do you want, frog?" he asked.
     "Mister, I'm really a beautiful princess but a wicked witch has put a spell on me and turned me into an ugly frog. If you will pick me up and kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess. Then you can take me home and we'll make wild passionate love for hours," the frog said.
     The man reached down, picked the frog up and put it in his windbreaker pocket. He walked a few yards back down the fairway and dropped his ball preparing for his third shot.
"Hey, mister," the frog called, "aren't you going to kiss me?"
     The man took a couple of practice swings with his three-wood and then hit the ball onto the par four green. Walking on towards the green, he said, "No, I'm not going to kiss you. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."