After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.
     On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean. 
     "Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."
     His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?" 


     Q. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di??
     A. Tiger Woods has a better driver. 

 
     During a weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.
     From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?" 


     Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton laying near an old golf ball.
      Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
     Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the matter Jim?"
     Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8." 

artillery division, the General finally retired. He moped around the house for days until his wife, tired of hearing his complaints, told him to get a hobby. He chose golf.
     Never having golfed before, he called his former aide who happened to be an avid golfer. As they stepped up to the tee on the first hole, a beautiful par four of 425 yards with a slight dogleg right, the aide explained to the General that he had to hit the ball to the flag.
     The General lined up his shot, took a powerful swing and knocked the ball to just 2 inches from the cup. The aide was amazed.
     As they left the teeing ground towards the green, the aide remarked how great the shot was, it "almost" went in the hole.
     "Almost?" said the General. "What do you mean?"
     "Well," explained the aide, "the object is to get the ball INTO the hole in as few strokes as possible."
     Staring at the aide in disgust, the General screamed "Why, the hell didn't you tell me that before!?" 


      A young woman, just after beginning her round was stung by a bee. After returning to the pro shop and telling the pro she was stung, she asked what she should do.
"Where were you stung,?" he asked.
"    Between the first and second hole," she replies.
     "Well," said the pro, "first of all your feet are too far apart." 


      A man is on holiday in Africa and is driving along in his jeep, when he comes upon a golf course. Happening to have his clubs with him, he decides to ask about whether he can play a round. Upon inquiring, the pro tells him that it is quite all right, just so long as the man uses one of the local caddies. Having no problem with this, the man sets out accompanied by the caddie.
     Everything is going OK until the 3rd fairway, when, all of a sudden, a lion runs out of the jungle towards the man. With this, the caddie suddenly pulls out a rifle and shoots the lion dead just before it reaches the man.
     "I can see now why I need you!" exclaimed the man to the caddie.
     Carrying on, they approached the 10th tee, when, suddenly, a leopard bounded towards the man from the undergrowth. Thankfully, once again, the caddie pulled out his rifle and kills the animal.
     Thanking the caddie once again, they moved on.
Three holes later the man was about to play his putt on the 13th green when a crocodile came out of the greenside pond and promptly bit his leg off. Writhing around the green in agony the man angrily asked his caddie why on earth he didn't take his rifle out again, to which the caddie replied, "Sorry, but you don't get a shot on that hole, sir!"

     After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour, the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time. Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and they both sat up straight.
     "My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.
     "No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."

     Bob stood over his tee shot on the eighteenth hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, waggle, look down, look up, but would never start his backswing.
     Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"
     "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.
     "Good Lord," said David, "you ain't got a chance of hitting her from here."  

     A foursome of executives had a standing date every Saturday to play golf. As luck would have it, one of the executives was transferred to another city. The man who came to take his place was also a golfer. The three that were left were delighted and invited him to take their friend's place on Saturday.
     "What time do you tee off?" asked the new player.
     The three replied, "At 9:00 a.m."
     The new player said, "I may be about ten minutes late. If I am, wait for me. I'll be there."
     Saturday came, and the new guy was waiting for them. They began their game, and this new guy proceed to beat the fire out of all of them. At the 19th hole, the original threesome asked if the new guy would play the next Saturday in order for them to get their money back.
     "What time to you tee off?" asked the new player.
     The three replied, "Same as today, at 9:00 a.m."
     The new player said, "I may be about ten minutes late. If I am, wait on me. I'll be here."
     The next Saturday, the new player was, once again, waiting on them when they arrived. They began playing, but this time the new player played LEFT HANDED, and proceeded to beat them even more soundly than the Saturday before.
     At the 19th hole, the three said, "Man, we have NEVER seen anyone play as well as you. But tell us, how do you know from which side to play?
     The new guy said, "It's very simple. When I get up on Saturday morning, if my wife is sleeping on her right side, I tee it up on the right. If she is sleeping on her left, I tee it up from the left."
     "And what is she is sleeping on her back?" the threesome asked. 
     "Well, I'm ten minutes late!" said the new guy.

     A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad. He tries to act undisturbed about it and plays the second day, which is even worse.
     So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a terrible game. So on the last day of the tournament, he goes out and tries really hard, but he just did worse and worse, so at the end of the round, swearing violently and very frustrated, he shouts to his caddie, who has been quiet all week-end, and says, "You've got to be the worst caddie alive!!"
     The caddie thinks about this, shrugs, and replies, "Nah, that'd be too much of a coincidence!"  


     It seems that there was this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.
     Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh s--t." 
 

     We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.
     We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation.
     Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!  

     Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became more angry with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.     
     Letting loose a stream of curses the like of which has never been heard before or since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire. Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the club house, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists.
     At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate condition, off-handedly said, "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how 'bout it?"
     Joe looked up and said "What time?"

     A man and his gorilla are sitting in the club house when the club champion comes in. "I'll bet you $500 per hole my gorilla can play better golf than you," says the man.
     The champion looks at the man, looks at the gorilla, and says "You're on." And off they go to the first tee.
     The first hole is a long par four over water. The man gives the champion the honors. The champion tees up and hits a beautiful drive straight up the middle, over the water, chipping distance from the green.
     "Nice shot," says the man.
     The gorilla then tees up, booms the drive onto the green, and into the hole! The champ picks up his ball and they head off to the next hole, a beautiful par five, along the creek with a slight dogleg left.
     The gorilla tees up and booms another drive, drawing it just enough to land it on the green, inches from the pin. The champ, humiliated, concedes the hole and the match. They head back to the clubhouse.
     As they settle the bet, the champ remarks how well the gorilla plays. "I've never seen anyone drive it as far. By the way, since he aced the first hole and I conceded match before finishing the second, I never got to see how he putts."
     "Oh," says the man, pocketing his money, "he putts just exactly like he drives!"


     One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole. He tees up and cranks one, but, unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him.
     "Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy.
     Upon awakening, the little fellow says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."
     The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and he walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want: I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
     Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing.
     The leprechaun says, "I'm doing fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
     "It's great! I hit under par every time."
     The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how the money is holding out?"
     The golfer says, "Well now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note."
     The leprechaun again says, "I did that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?"
     The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
     The leprechaun is flabbergasted and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
     "Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."