Two friends were playing golf one day.  They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path.
     As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie."
     No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club.  As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks!
     Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
     "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
     "YOUR 7-iron!" he replied.

The true rules of golf:
* Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
* There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
* Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
* You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball. * A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
* If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker.
* If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
* If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
* If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
* Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
* The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
* There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
* You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
* Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
* It's not a gimme if you're still away.
* Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
* It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. 
* If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
* When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
* Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
* Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.  

     The same foursome played every day at ten o'clock. They were known as the three-hour gang, always finished by 1pm so they could play gin all afternoon.
     One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them, playing incredibly slow. The guys in the three-hour gang waved and waved at each tee, but the group ahead never moved aside to let them through.
     After a frustrating five and one-half hour round, the gang came into the men's bar fuming. The slow group was at a table across the room and the whole bar could hear the cussing coming from the gang.
     Finally, the waitress approached the gang and said, "You guys should lighten up. That group you're cussing out?....they can't see. They're blind golfers and I think it's great they can even play!"
     The first player in the gang felt terrible and told the waitress, "You're right, tell you what..send them over a round of drinks on me!"
     The second guy told the waitress to put the blind golfers' lunches on his tab.
     The third guy sent a caddie to the pro shop for four sleeves of balls to present to the blind golfers.
     Everyone looked at the fourth guy. "Screw 'em", he grumbled, "Tell those idiots to play at night." 

 
     An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make.
     She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
     On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.
     "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
     The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"


     A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league.
     This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are 'skinnier' than the married ones.
     The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
     The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.