Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin.
     A fan in the crowd said "Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?"
     Mr. Palmer replied, "Do you own a 3 iron?"
     The fan said, "Yes, sir I do."
     "How far do you hit it?" said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply.
     Palmer calmly said, "What the hell do you want it to back up for?"


A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church.  Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.
     His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
     And the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"

    
     A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time.  This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.
     Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
     Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.
Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.
     Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.
     Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day.  When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter."
     Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.
     After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room.  However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.
He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet.
     "What happened?" His friend inquired.
     An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know.  I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one.  Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!" 


      Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.
     The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
     The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a football team."
     The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."


     A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.  He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
     The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."  She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
     He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
     The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day!  Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
     The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "


     Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
     After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
     "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
     "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
     "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"


     An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer.
     After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one.
     He then asked the Scottish, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
     "We call it 3."

    Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers.
     The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.
     After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball.
     "Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green."
     The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup.
     "You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win." 
     The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball."


     One day a golfer brought his regular golfing buddies together, and gave them each $50,000 cash and instructed them that upon his death, they were to throw it into the coffin, because he wanted to take it with him.
     As luck would have it, he died soon after. When the funeral was over, his buddies met.
     The doctor in the group said "I have a confession to make. I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic."
     The priest said "Me too, only I used the money to help build the youth center."
     Somewhat shocked, the last member of the group, a lawyer, said "I can't believe you guys went back on your word."
     They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin.
     He replied "I most certainly did ... with my very own personal check."