Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies.  His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf and Dick replies, "He's very good."
     The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!"
     Dick says,"Just watch him play."
     They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par.
     On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake.The two buddies look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good."
     Dick replies, "Just watch, he's a great player.
     The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive into the lake to save his friend, because he's drowning.
     Dick replies "No... that just means he wants a 5 iron". 


     Kasey and Spanky decided to get together one morning and play a round.
     Kasey brought along his little black puppy.  When Kasey sank a twelve foot putt on the first hole, the puppy stood on his hind legs and began to dance, jump and bark.
     Spanky said, "That's great, what does he do when you miss the putt?"
     Kasey said, "He does somersaults."
     When Spanky asked how many somersaults, Kasey replied, "That depends on how hard I kick him."

     A couple of buddies, decide to play together for the first time.
    Mike is an avid golfer and Jeffrey is new to the game.  On the way to the course, Mike asks, "By the way, what's your handicap?"
     Jeffrey replies,"I don't have one..it's more like a permanent disability" 


     Your a GOLFaholic if ...
* You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
* You know there's more to life than golf, but you're not interested in finding out what it is!
* You quit the game forever, twice a month!
* You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!
* You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky!
* You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing!
* The new clubs you just bought cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined!
* You can't break a 100 but still think you could give Tiger a few tips! 


    A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
     She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
     Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.  She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"


    A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
     He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.  He took another mighty swing with his 3-wood and the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him.
     As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
     And he replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
 

     At dawn the telephone rings.
     "Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
     "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
     "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died"
     "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
     "Si, Senor, that's the one."
     "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a fortune on that bird.
     "What did he die from?"
     "From eating rotten meat, Senor."
     "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
     "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
     "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
     "The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
     "Are you insane?  What water cart?"
     "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
     "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
     "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
     "What the.....!!!  But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
     "For the funeral, Senor."
     "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
     "Your wife's, Senor ... she showed up one night out of the blue and thought she was a thief.  So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
     ... SILENCE ...
     "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!" 


     Greg and Jim were playing their home course.
Greg putted out and walked back to the cart.  As Jim sank his putt, Greg suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants.  He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
     The scene of a man kneeling next to to his playing partner's bare rear end, was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.
     The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: "What was the bet?"
 

     A foursome of elderly gentlemen went to the bar after a round of golf.  At the bar, the new Pro asked them "How did your game go today?"
     The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders.
     The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly and had only two riders.
     The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time.
     He then approached Rickey the bartender and asked, "Can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?"
     Rickey smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

 
     Art and Dave were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when Dave noticed that Art got a new set of clubs.
     Dave asked Art how he liked the clubs and if they've helped his game at all.
     Art replied, "Oh yeah, they're great clubs! They've added at least 25 yards to my slices, about 30 yards to my hooks and you would be surprised at the size of my divots!"