Verne was teeing off from the men's tee.  On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.  Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.  A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
     Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.  You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
     Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
     Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
     Verne: "Was it a Titlist 3?"
     "Yes", replied the coroner.
     Verne:  "That was my mulligan."


     A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.


     Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.
     Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.
     Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"
     Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away." 


     My golfing buddy once told me that he took a 12 on a par 3. I asked him, "How in the world did you manage a 12 on a par 3?"
     To which he replied, "I sank a 30 foot putt." 


     A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place.
     "Right over here we have our very own golf course!" said the angel.
     "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?!" they both exclaimed.
     "Sure," said the angel.
     So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
     The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong.
     "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?" she asked. 
     "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"
 

     A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.  However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree.
     "He's certainly not my husband, I can tell you that," said the first lady.
     "Disgusting! I'm glad he's not mine either, " said the second lady.
     "It really is an outrage," said the third. "He's not even a club member!" 


     A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.
     The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.
     "So did I," he said "but they all wanted to go to her funeral." 


     One day two software engineers were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par 3 with a blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag. When they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the cup and other is in. As it turns out, both were playing Titleists #3s.
     A heated argument ensued and they finally decided to let the club pro sort the mess out. The pro walked to the hole with them and looked at the ball on the green and then the ball in the hole.
     He turned to the two engineers in disgust and asked, "Okay. Which of you is playing the white ball and which is playing the orange ball?"


     A golfer returning to the club house after the worst round of golf of his life, requested that his caddie give him his ball. Upon receiving the ball, he threw it into the lake. The golfer then requested the caddie give him his clubs. The caddie asked what he was planning on doing with the clubs and the golfer replied he was throwing them in the lake, which he did.
     The golfer then start walking toward the lake and the caddie asked what he intended. The golfer said he was going to drown himself, to which the caddie replied, "You can't do that, you can't keep your head down long enough!" 


     What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?
     In New York they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green!"   In Canada they say, "Get off the green, eeehhh." 


     An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"
     "I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."
     The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell.
     On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.
     "This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."
     The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package.
     "So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."
     "I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."
     "What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"
     "No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."

     One Sunday, St. Peter and God were up in heaven having coffee and bagels and just shooting the breeze, when St. Peter saw a priest down on one of Earth's golf courses. He told God about this blasphemy, and God told St. Peter that the priest would be duly punished.
     With St. Peter looking over his shoulder, God caught the priest's drive at the 10th hole and dropped it straight into the hole.
     "That wasn't much of a punishment," said St. Peter. "He just made a hole-in-one!"
     God laughed. "Yeah, but who's he gonna tell?"

     A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all manner of things.
     Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"
     The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!"
     "Hey, good trade!" replied the former good buddy! 


     "Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
     He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"     
     The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
     Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
     About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71.  He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.
     The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
     He said, "Beth Shalom".
     The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"