A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!"
     Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up."
     The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.
     He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."
     The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man.
     The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."
     The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"


     At the Club's annual boardmeeting, the President was just about to finish, when one of the members stops him: "There is one more item to discuss -- the exclusion of Mr. Petersen."
     "Why?" asked the President.
     "Last week he jumped our new secretary in the bunker at hole 9," the President was informed.
     "Soo, we all would like to do that, it is not a reason for exclusion!!"
     "Yes, but he did not rake the bunker afterwards!!" 

      
     If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.


     Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
     Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."
     Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."
     Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
     Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
     Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
     And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
     He replies: "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
     "But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
     "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
     Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
     Stevie says "Well I play to scratch."
     Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game sometime."
     Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
     Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to play."
     Stevie Wonder turns around and says "Well, just about any night suits me."  


     Two guys at a convention get totally drunk the night before a big golf match. During the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.
     The man sets up to putt with his feet wide apart. He draws his putter back. Just then a big black dog, chasing a squirrel, comes running across the green, the dog goes right between the guy's legs, and out the other side and runs off the green. The guy never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!
     His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you managed to drop that putt with that dog running between your legs ..."
     "Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!!!!"

     A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?"
     "If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."  


     A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.  Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right ?"  


      Said to a few friends after playing a round with them.
     "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
     "Oh yeah?"
     "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker." 


     A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants.
     "I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies.
     The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
     As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
     He replies, "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"  


     Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.
     Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.
     Manager: Of course we would, sir.
     Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time. 


     Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?"
     The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."  


     One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.
     "Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole in one?"
     "What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.
     "It shortens your sex life by five years," replied the demon.
     "Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered.
     On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon.  "How would you like to make it two holes-in-one simultaneously?," said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf."
     "What's the pay back this time?" said the man.
     "Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.
     "I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two holes-in-one in the same game!
     On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again.
     "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"
     "No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time?"
     "You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.
     "Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.
And that's how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records! 


      The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddie who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 add up to?"
     "11 sir," said the caddie.
     "Good, you'll do perfectly."  

     Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddie, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
     The caddie handed him the four-wood, which he topped and sent the ball about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
     Immediately the caddie handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt."