Bill and Fred were enjoying a round of golf one Saturday morning. About the fifth hole Fred suddenly had a heart attack and died. Later that day in the club house Bill was speaking with some friends and he told them that Fred had died on the course.
     "Oh, that must have been terrible," they said.
     "Yes, it was," said Bill. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..." 


     What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?
     The golfer says, "Whapp! Oh, Shit!" And the sky diver says, "Oh, Shit. Whapp!" 


     A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the club house. The ball was sitting about 2 feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, set up silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said," Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot."
     The voice broke the man's concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, "Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot."
     The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, "Would you please tell the gentleman in the club house that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?" 

 
     Q: Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the course with him?
     A: Just in case he gets a hole in one. 

 
     A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.
     This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.
     Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.  Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped.
     The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he couldn't take it anymore.
     "What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the Detective. 
      "Oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"
     "I'll give you a 5" says the Detective. 


     Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215 yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn't the right club, "That's not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood."
     Jesus responded, "No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie."
     Moses said, "I'm telling you, that's not enough club!"
     Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again.
     Moses said, "I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood."
     Jesus said, "This will be fine -- remember what I said about Arnold Palmer." Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.
     About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, "What's he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?"
     "No," replied Moses, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!" 

 
     A fellow arrived at the course one day, and decided to spend a few minutes on the practice green. As he putted around, he noticed another golfer putting a ball that somehow looked a little different, but he couldn't put his finger on what the difference was. Being curious, he asked the other golfer about the ball.
     "Oh," he said, "it really IS a different ball. You know, if you hit it into the rough, it begins to beep, and you can just follow the sound right to it. If you happen to be playing near dusk, it lights up and you can see it from a good distance. And if you happen to hit it into a pond, it floats to the surface, a little propeller comes out of the side and it glides right over to the edge of the pond. Amazing, isn't it?"
     The first golfer replied, "It sure is...where can I get me one of those?"
     The second golfer said, "Gee...I haven't the foggiest notion...you see, I found this one..." 

 
     Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
     So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
     "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
     The man answered, "I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!"

      A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed.
     "That was really a very nice gesture," one of his buddies said.
     "Hey, it's the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary!"
  
 
     A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!
     It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green."
     The man said, "I don't think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened."
     "What was that?" asked his friend. The man replied, "I got a seven!"


     There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game.
      Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie.
     She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!"
     Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches above the cup."
     The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the cup."  
     The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!" 


     There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?"
     The man replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far enough to follow the ball."
     "I'm sorry," said the starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie that can see far enough."
     The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man.
     "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?"
     "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?"
     The caddie replied, "I forget!" 

 
     There was a twosome of men following closely behind a twosome of women who were playing pretty slowly. The first fellow said, "Go up there and ask if we can play through!"
     So up went the second man. He got almost to where the women were and he hurried back without saying a word to them. "I can't go up there. One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress! You go ask."
      "Okay," said the first man, and he started walking up to the women himself. He got almost to where they were and he came running back without speaking to them.  "Me too!!!" he said.