A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
     "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
     The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
     The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
     The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.  A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:  "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."
     The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
     Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
     He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
     He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
     He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
     She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" 


     Comedian Bob Hope once said that if ever he was playing golf and it started to thunder and lightning, that he would hold a 1 iron up into the air - in the belief that even God can't hit a 1 iron. 


     One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"
     His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."
     "Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
     "Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!" 


     "Got any suggestions on my game, caddie?"
     "Yes sir. Try laying off for thirty days."
     "Then what?"
     "Then quit."

     Seems a minister of the cloth and two of his congregation  had booked a tee time and as they prepared to tee off the club pro asked if a lone golfer, Glenn, could join them to make a foursome.
     After introductions all around they proceeded to play a fairly enjoyable round. The only problem was the language used by Glenn whenever he played an errant shot. This embarrassed the two laymen but nothing was said during the round.
     As the three drove home the conversation came around to next Sundays activity at church. At this point the minister suggested they should invite Glenn since afterall, "He seems to know all the words."  

     An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.
     He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.
     The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
     Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
     The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
     Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."
 

     "Okay, young man, let me hear your story again, from the beginning," the judge said peering over his reading glasses. "You see, your honor," the young man began, "I was playing golf. I was about 140 yards out from the green when a frog whispered from the rough, 'Use an 8-iron.' I thought I'd try what the frog said and used an 8-iron. I hit the ball onto the green and it rolled into the cup for an eagle. 
     Then the frog said, 'Take me to Vegas.' 
     "What?" I said.
     'You heard me,' repeated the frog, 'take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky frog and we'll make a bundle!' So we flew to Vegas.
     In the casino, the frog whispered to me, 'Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line.'
     I did as the frog said and we ended the evening over $200,000 ahead. I then took the frog upstairs to my room and the frog said to me, 'Kiss me.'
     I figured what the hell and I kissed the frog. When I did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and a terrific body.
     "And I swear, your honor, that's how I came to be in the room with that 16 year old girl."
 

     - Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
     - There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
     - Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
     - An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.  

       Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
     The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
     The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
     The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five"
     The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
     The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
     After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"
     The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

     Q: What's the difference between a proV1 and the G-spot?
     A: A man will spend five minutes tryinig to find a pro V1.

     A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
     The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
     The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator. 
 

     The justice of the peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson. But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.
     But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you can't find anybody else to make a foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."
"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next Saturday? I don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them."  

     So there is an Englishman and a Scot playing a round together (hard to believe I know). So the Englishman tees up his ball on the first hole and snap hooks his drive into the trees.
     So of course, he tees up another ball and says he's taking a "Mulligan."
     Just before he swings he asks the Scot what they call a "Mulligan" in Scotland.
     The Scot promptly replies, "We call it three off the tee you cheatin bastard."