JOKES

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A Quest to Play the Top 100 Public Golf Courses in the United States

A Quest to Play the Top 100 Public Golf Courses

JOKES

     Joe addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
     Joe and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.
     "Good heavens" exclaimed Joe, "what shall I do?"
     "Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a two club length drop."

    Bob invited his friend Johnny to play at his new club. Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole.
     Johnny teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing. He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the teebox and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything.
     He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said, "Boy, this is really a tough course!"

   A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
     Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
     He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife.
     "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
     The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!".

      Some of the greatest comebacks in the world are said on the golf course:

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt that. I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 "
Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that a half hour ago!"

Golfer: "Well, Caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before,Sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence"

     A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
     The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
     The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
     "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
     After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
     "Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

     At wits end, the golfer finally said, "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It is annoying."
     The Caddie answered, "This isn't a watch, sir. It is a compass."

     Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best ball match...wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation.
     On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole ... dead on line.
     Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, "Right train, wrong ticket."
     The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, "No sleeper cars on that train either."

     James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse.
     James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?"
     The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch."
     James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
     To which the pro said, "No! It will help them fit in the trash can!"

     An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous.
     The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?"
     "No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid.
     So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly.
     The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice."
     The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?"
     "No, I haven't," answered the mermaid.
     So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow.
     "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."
     Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?"
     "No, I haven't," said the mermaid.
     "Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "'cause the tide's out!"