MULLIGAN MAN (CONT'D) ...

Mulligan Man,
I don't know if anyone has asked you this before, but what are two "must" that every golfer needs to have in their golf bag?  Signed Prepared Golfer!
PG,
In my book, they put those zippered pockets on your golf bag for a reason -- to hold a lot of stuff, not all of it which is golf course etiquette friendly.  One recommendation is a can of gray spray paint.   In the unlikely event your ball comes to a rest in a less than envious lie, one can easily create your own "ground under repair."  Just spray paint an area around your ball ... and WAH LAA ... you get a courtesy drop in a more favorable position.  It 's also highly recommended that you carry a bottle of your favorite vodka.  After all, have you seen the prices of drinks from the cart these days?  Now just pretend to be on a health kick and order juice ... wait a couple of minutes for the cart girl to depart ... top it off ... and WAH-LAA ... you're drinking with the big boys!   A great way to make ends meet during these tough economic times! ... MM


Mulligan Man,
I thought the Masters was entertaining and felt that Tiger put up a good performance considering all of his problems.  However, what was the deal with him wearing sunglasses?  It was almost like he had something to hide.  What is your take? ... Signed Maui Jim
MJ,
Have you ever been on a tropical vacation with your wife?  You know the one where you sit on a beach chair and watch the string bikini's casually saunter by?  What is the main reason that you wear sunglasses?  So you don't look like a bobblehead watching them saunter ... and get in trouble.  Enough said.  MM 


My Main Man Mully,
I enjoy playing golf with my buddies at my local muni-course every Saturday morning.  However lately, what is supposed to be a pleasant 4 1/2 hour adventure has turned out to be a nightmarish six-hour slugfest.  I don't know what it is about hackers these days, but the group in front us specialized in four practice swings before every embarrassing skull and shank.  They put more time studying their two-foot putts than I did to get my marketing degree.  What is the solution?  Signed Frustrated.
Hey ... my main man Frustrated,
I would highly recommend the M24 sniper rifle.  It's a 7.62X51mm caliber rifle with a McMillian fiberglass A1 epoxy filler stock  It will hold five rounds and is 43.97" long with a barrel length of 24 inches.  Throw in a Unertl 10X scoop with Mil-Dots and BDC and you have an effective range of 1000 yards.  MM 


Mulligan Man,
I keep hearing about people driving their Toyota's and getting in accidents because their accelerator sticks.  That got me wondering about a golf cart.  What should I do if the pedal sticks on my golf cart on Saturday?  Got any advice for me?  Signed Brake-Check
Mr B. Check,
This really depends on how many beers that you have had.  If you have consumed between one and three, run the thing into a sand trap.  It works just like those runaway truck ramps you see in the mountains.  If you have had between four and six, just fall out and roll because you won't feel anything anyway.  MM


Mulligan Man,
I'm a big sports movie buffs.  What are your top three golf movie quotes of all time?  Signed Movie Buff!
Quote-Seeker!
The three greatest golf movies of all time are Caddyshack, Bagger Vance, and Tin Cup.  Here is my prime time selections:
CADDYSHACK
Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don’t keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
BAGGER VANCE
Rannulph Junuh: What were you doing out there? I could have killed you.
Bagger Vance: Nah, actually, I positioned myself right in front of you, ’cause from the way your swings were goin’, I figured that was the safest place.
TIN CUP
Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy: This is everything, ain’t it? This is the choice it comes down to — this is our immortality.
Romeo Posar: You don’t need to be thinking immortality — you need to be thinking hit the 7 iron!  ... MM


Mr. Mulligan Man,
Based on your advice, you really know your way around a golf course.  What is your secret? ... Larry B. in Alabama.
Larry,
The holes are numbered!  MM


Dear Mulligan Man,
You've been pretty quiet on the Tiger Woods deal.  What do you think really happened?  Signed Curious.
Woods Fan,
I have a theory that is different from anything you have heard.  Here is what I think really happened on that fateful night in November.   Elin discovered that Tiger was playing around with some non-sanctioned playing partners and the expected heated argument broke out.  As a woman scorned, she violently attacked the world's most famous athlete with a golf club or other blunt object and in the process, Tiger broke his jaw, lost some teeth, and received an assortment of bruises.  Once the yelling and screaming subsided, she realized that she seriously hurt him and the rules changed.  Together they quickly concocted the idea of staging a car crash to cover up what law enforcement typically calls "assault with a deadly weapon."
      After all, Tiger didn't want or need the biggest of all long term distractions --- having the mother of his children labeled as an attempted murderer.  At that point, Tiger duck-hooks his Escalade into a tree in his own driveway in a weak attempt to justify his previously sustained injuries.  And it was weak!  Did you see the photos of the crash?  I've flipped golf carts harder than that and walked away without spilling my cocktail.  Here is the strangest twist:  Despite Tiger's unauthorized putter action, Elin is probably not going to leave him.  The main reason is that Tiger can always come clean and get her charged with attempted murder and ruin her life forever!  After all, while cheating is wrong, assault is a crime!   Think about that concept for a while.  MM


MM Guy,
I have suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me.  There are all the usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.  My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."  I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.  Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
      Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my Callaway golf clubs.  This way I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".  When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.  Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?  Signed ... What do you think?
Golf Enthusiast,
Always have the hard work done by a professional. MM


Mully,
I am the General Manager of a great golf course in North Carolina.  I have responsibility for everything from financials, to course conditions and employees.  I would also like to mention that I have the serious "hots" for one of our bartenders in the clubhouse, who also assist me with our bookkeeping.  She has it all!  She's smart -- a graduate of Duke, and she has more curves than the road course at Watkins Glen.  She is a cross between Jessica Alba and Fergie.  Heck, I can barely think straight when I'm around her.
     The other day, we were in the closed confines of my office doing budgeting for the new year.  In a lame attempt to quit staring down her shirt, I decided to test her math skills and asked her the following budgeting question:   "If I were to give you $25,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"  Mulligan Man, what is the correct answer?  Signed GM
GM
The correct answer is "EVERYTHING but her earrings!" MM


Mulligan Man,
I have an embarrassing topic to bring up with you Mulligan Man.  I've noticed that I don't look good in my favorite golf shirts anymore, especially now that I have hit my 40's and gained some weight.  I saw a photograph of my foursome at a recent golf tournament and realized that I have what can best be described as man boobs -- or as my wife calls them ... MOOBS.  Like I said, it's embarrassing.  I need help!!!   I've heard of a French invention that is supposed to reduce man boobs by 40%.  What's it called?  Signed MOOBMan.
MOOBMan (never said that before),
It's called a Treadmill! MM


Yo ... Mully,
I keep hearing that all of the top players on the PGA tour are shooting for the rare Grand Slam.  I'm not exactly sure what it is.  Can you inform a fellow hacker?  Signed ... Need to be informed.
NTBI,
This may be hard to believe, but the Mulligan Man has actually achieved a Grand Slam, so I'm not sure it's that rare.  Let me explain.  I had to hit a seven-iron approach shot around a tree and over a small creek to a pretty big green.  Unfortunately, my ball nailed a branch, richocheted back and hit me in the knee and then bounced into the water.  That was one stroke for the seven-iron, two shots for touching the ball, and a drop to get out of the creek.  That's four shots in one swing -- the alleged rare Grand Slam. MM


Mulligan Man,
I read somewhere that the average golfer who carries his own bag, walks about 900 miles a year.  The same study found that golfers drink, on average, about 22 gallons of alcohol a year.  What do you make of that data?  Signed ... Just the Facts.
JtF,
Based on that, I would say that the average golfer gets 41 miles to the gallon. MM


My Main Man Mully,
Short and sweet ... Why is golf better than sex?  Signed ... Dawg.
Dawg?
Quick answer ... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else! MM


Mulligan Man,
I play competitive golf for my high school team and have received some sponsorship interest from several major colleges.  I am also considering a medical career and know that pursuing both ... probably will not work.  My friends have told me that it's harder to be a good golfer than a brain surgeon.  What's your opinion on the topic?  Signed ... Confused PGA-Neurosurgeon!
Doctor Par,
All I know is that you don't get to ride around in a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and fart if you are performing brain surgery. MM


Mr. Mulligan,
My wife and I play golf together at our Country Club every Sunday afternoon.  She is a great golfer, but for some reason, she has self-esteem issues.  The other day when we got home, she took a shower and later was standing nude in front of the bedroom mirror.  She was not happy.  She said she felt horrible; that she was old, fat and ugly.  Worse yet, she put me on the spot.  She wanted me to pay her a compliment.  I didn't know what to say.  Any recommendations?  Signed, Bob.
Bob,
You should have told her that her eyesight is damn near perfect. (then run!) MM
 

Mully Man,
According to my attorney, your advice is priceless!  Just out of curiousity, what is your New Year's resolution?  Signed ... Gotta know!
GK
The next time I drain a sensational triple-breaker 90-foot bomb of a putt, I want it to be for an "eagle" ... not a NINE! MM 


Mulligan Man,
I play a lot of golf in the hilly courses of Southern California.  Places like Anaheim Hills, Coyote Hills, and Oak Quarry.  My problem is that I get lousy cell phone coverage in those areas which blows my cover because I'm supposed to be at work.  What do you recommend?  Signed ... Need a Better Cell Plan.
NABCP,
I occassionally ha... sa ... pro... I would recom..... that you change ..... tunnel .... losing yo .... breaking up .... Verizon.... MM


Hey Mulligan,
My wife got all mushy on me the other day.  She wanted to know what I would do if she passed away.  She wanted to know if I could ever consider getting involved with another woman.  And if I did, would I let her live in our same house?  Wanted to know if I would let her sleep in your same bed?  She even asked me if I would let the new woman use her golf clubs?  Man, those were some heavy questions.  My question to you Mulligan Man is that if your wife died, would you let your new girlfriend use her clubs?  Signed Curious.
Curious,
No, she's left-handed. MM


Mulligan Man,
Sometimes I can't fulfill my Golf-Jones because my 8-5 grind keeps getting in the way.   As much as I hate to admit it, I call in with lame excuses like I have a cold, so I can sneak in 18-holes.  However, I think my boss is catching on to me.  I need some new material.  What do you recommend?  Signed Golf Withdrawls.
GWM,
Here is my top three ways to get out of work:
(1).  Tell him that the sun is in your eyes, and you can't see yourself coming to work.
(2). Call in at the last minute and inform Mr. Boss that you forgot that today is the day of your dreaded colonoscopy or procto exam.  No boss wants to get in the way of either of those.
(3).  Tell him you are sick.  When he says you don't sound sick, tell him you are sleeping with your sister.  He'll agree that you are very very sick!!! MM


Mulligan Man,
I have to share a strange golf experience with you.  While golfing at Pelican Hill last week, I nutted my nine-iron on the picturesque third hole, a short par three over a ravine.  Perfect ball flight.  Perfect aim.  One of the best short iron shots I've ever hit.  The ball bounces on the front of the green, bounces twice and goes in the hole.  A wild celebration ensues where I find myself hugging other men.  A minute or so later, Jeff notices that my ball didn't go in the hole, but actually stopped six inches behind, in the shade of the flagstick.  All of a sudden, our man-handling left me with an queezy feeling in my stomach.  I felt violated.  What is your advice?  Signed Homophobe.
Mr. H,
Two things:  One ..., take a good long hot rape shower; one of those you see in the movies where you lie on the shower floor, crying in the fetal position.  And two, never ever golf in a foursome where your partners are wearing ass chaps. MM


Mr. Man,
About a month ago, while returning home from a nice relaxing golf vacation, my wife and I were involved in a horrible car accident.  A deer shot out of nowhere in front of my Lexus.  At that point everything just happened so fast.  I swerved sharply off the road to avoid hitting the deer, but plumetted down an embankment, barely missing some huge boulders and then plunged into a lake.  My car sank quickly and was completely engulfed within 20-seconds.  Luckily, I managed to get the door open and I fought my way to the shore. 
After I caught my breath I realized that my brand new golf clubs were still in the trunk.  Since I wasn't seriously hurt, I jumped in, swam down, popped the trunk open with a branch, and dragged my favorite Pings to the shore.  Man that bag was heavy.  A few moments later I noticed that my brand new Nike golf shoes were not in the bag, so I dove in after those also.  Luckily, after three dives, I was able to locate them in the murky water and today -- they fit like new.  My question to you is, what is your opinion of dating sites such as Match.com?  Signed Water Hazard.
Mr. Hazard,
Maybe you should ask your ex-in laws that question?  My question for you is: Were those the Nike Air Zoom Vapor Golf Shoes, or the Tour Sport style?  MM


Mulligan Dude,
Save me!  My wife and I got into an ugly fight the other day when I got back from my regular Saturday morning round.  She argued that I would rather play golf than have sex with her.  Just so I'm not missing something obvious, what is the main difference between the two?  Signed PW.
PW (Hopefully that doesn't stand for what I think it does!)
The main difference is that during golf you can stop halfway through and enjoy a hot dog and a couple of beers.  MM

 
Hey Mulligan Man,
I took your advice and loaded up on business cards from my favorite restaurant.  The following week, I duck hooked a driver right into someone’s patio door, and sure enough, here comes this Neanderthal—looking dude running after me, yelling, with my golf ball in his hand.  I remembered your advice, and reached in my bag to pull out one of those business cards.  Worked like a charm, until the Neanderthal dude reads the name on the card.  I barely escaped in my golf cart while trying to convince him that my name really was: 
Dr. Hitomi Tanaka
Proctologist
Any advice on avoiding similar incidents in the future?
Dear Doctor Procto,
You should have told the caveman that Hitomi was your dancing name ... and then gave him the finger (with or without a glove ... it's your call!) MM


Mulligan Man,
My wife is frustrated with me and says I spend too much money golfing.  She said that she wants me to spend the same on her.  I was informed that I can’t go golfing again until I buy her something that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds flat.  What do I do? ... Signed Panic Man
Panic Man,
Get her bathroom scale. MM


Dear Mulligan Man,
My girlfriend is smoking hot, but thinks golf is a total waste of time.  She demands that I spend more time with her.  I’m caught between her D-Cups and my three-putts.  What do I do?  ... Signed DISTRACTED - Malibu, CA
Distracted,
Wow, that is a tough one!  I really don’t feel that I can provide you with the proper advice unless you send me photographs of your girlfriend.  I like to thoroughly research my topics. MM


Mulligan Man,
I don’t know what it is, but every time I have to hit a ball over water, I choke up.  My heart races, my palms start sweating, and all I can think about is losing my $4 Titlist.  What is wrong with me?  ... CHOKER - Myrtle Beach, SC
CHOKER DUDE,
What is missing in this equation is the correct amount of swing lubricant.  Like the car you drive, a golf swing needs to be properly primed and lubricated to insure success and performance.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not recommending that you pound six quarts of your favorite cocktail. However, if your shot is a three-wood that needs to carry 230-yards into a head wind to clear the wet stuff, you may need to “drink the shot pretty.”  MM


Dear Mulligan Man,
My usual golf partner on weekends is a club junkie.  There are times when he has 18-20 clubs in his bag.  He insists that the 14-club limit is more of a guideline than a rule.  What do you suggest that I do?  ... SOS
Hey SOS,
With today’s technology, you can literally take matters into your own hands.  Grab your I-phone, snap a photo of one of his eight wedges, and post it on E-Bay.  You can probably have it sold by the time you make the turn.  UPS it from the clubhouse.  Your problem should be solved in a month or so!  MM


Dear Mulligan Man,
I was sitting on the couch a couple weekends ago watching the Deutsche Bank Championship unfold at TPC Boston.  It was a great day.  I took a nap, popped a few beers, and wolfed down a killer pastrami sandwich.  It was a perfect day.  I really enjoyed the drama of Steve Stricker tracking down Jason Dufner for the win.  His skill and determination was over the top.  I wish I had half his skill.  A few holes from the finish, I was faced with a very difficult decision.  Just as Stricker was getting ready to splash one out of a trap, my wife stepped in front of the flat screen wearing nothing but heels.  My thought process was scrambled.  My question to you is … how much time do I need to spend practicing my sand shots in order to be as good as Steve?  ... SIGNED … PGA FAN!
Dear Fan,
WOW ...You really, really, really need to take a break from golf. MM


Mulligan Man,
Give me some real golf advice that I can't read in GOLF DIGEST.  ... Larry B. - Palm Springs, CA
Mr. B,
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is directly through the center of a very large tree.  MM


Mully,
My girlfriend went golfing with me at Pebble Beach and got stung by a bee between the first and second hole.  What should I have done?  ... BeeMan
BM,
You should have told her that her stance was too wide. MM


Mr. Man,
I’m a decent golfer, but constantly fight a horrible slice.  Over the course of my career I have broken my fair share of windows and roof tiles. It is starting to get expensive.  What do you recommend?  ... GOING BROKE - Phoenix, AZ
G.B.,
Golf is all about having fun, so here is what I suggest.  You know how they have those glass fish bowls at restaurants?  The one’s where you drop in your card with the hope of winning a free meal?  Next time you see one, reach in when no one is looking and grab a handful.  Then the next time you shank one into someone’s living room, politely go to the scene of the crime and politely present your new business card.  This one is not only fun for you, but also a ton of laughs for the person expecting the free lunch.  MM

DISCLAIMER:  Since this print is really small and hard to read, GolfestOnline.com feels obligated to provide this legal disclaimer.  We probably should inform you that the Mulligan Man is not officially licensed or authorized to provide any legal, medical, psychological, or for that matter, even basic golf advice.  The advice and opinions expressed by the Mulligan Man are purely his unadulterated opinion and do not reflect the views of Golfest, GolfestOnline, the Napa State Mental Institution, or the National Football League.  In the event you are offended by any of the material provided, you really should get a life.  I mean it --- REALLY, go get one!!!  Instead of cruising golf sites like this one, you should be Twitter-ing yourself with little things like … “I am a loser!” and … “I have no life!”  The term Mulligan is defined as a “do-over” in golf, or a chance to make things right, especially after duck-hooking a Titlist rocket into a lake.  Please be advised that “do-overs” do not apply to politicians like Nancy Pelosi.  The Mulligan Man is in fact a fictional character and should not be portrayed as a super-hero of any kind.  He should not be confused with Superman or Batman, or any of the Fantastic Four.  However, if he was a superhero, his special talents would be to helicopter a putter about 100-yards after missing a two-footer for par, producing a divot big enough to bury a small aninmal, drinking Vodka-Cranberries, going on fantastic golf trips, and occasionally hitting a great golf shot.  Possible side effects include diarrhea, unexplained pregnancies, bleeding from the eyes, uneven tire wear, kidney failure, unemployment, brain tumors, uncontrollable flatulence, extra nipples, divorce, possible death, thoughts of suicide, strange body piercings, hair loss, an exploding prostrate, and an erection that lasts for more than four hours.  But that is a whole different topic.  Void where prohibited by law or good taste. 

If you have a question for the Mulligan Man, fire off your e-mails to Top100@golfestonline.com

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