MULLIGAN MAN (CONT'D) ...

My Main Man Mully,
Short and sweet ... Why is golf better than sex?  Signed ... Dawg.
Dawg?
Quick answer ... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else! MM


Mulligan Man,
I play competitive golf for my high school team and have received some sponsorship interest from several major colleges.  I am also considering a medical career and know that pursuing both ... probably will not work.  My friends have told me that it's harder to be a good golfer than a brain surgeon.  What's your opinion on the topic?  Signed ... Confused PGA-Neurosurgeon!
Doctor Par,
All I know is that you don't get to ride around in a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and fart if you are performing brain surgery. MM


Mr. Mulligan,
My wife and I play golf together at our Country Club every Sunday afternoon.  She is a great golfer, but for some reason, she has self-esteem issues.  The other day when we got home, she took a shower and later was standing nude in front of the bedroom mirror.  She was not happy.  She said she felt horrible; that she was old, fat and ugly.  Worse yet, she put me on the spot.  She wanted me to pay her a compliment.  I didn't know what to say.  Any recommendations?  Signed, Bob.
Bob,
You should have told her that her eyesight is damn near perfect. (then run!) MM
 

Mully Man,
According to my attorney, your advice is priceless!  Just out of curiousity, what is your New Year's resolution?  Signed ... Gotta know!
GK
The next time I drain a sensational triple-breaker 90-foot bomb of a putt, I want it to be for an "eagle" ... not a NINE! MM 


Mulligan Man,
I play a lot of golf in the hilly courses of Southern California.  Places like Anaheim Hills, Coyote Hills, and Oak Quarry.  My problem is that I get lousy cell phone coverage in those areas which blows my cover because I'm supposed to be at work.  What do you recommend?  Signed ... Need a Better Cell Plan.
NABCP,
I occassionally ha... sa ... pro... I would recom..... that you change ..... tunnel .... losing yo .... breaking up .... Verizon.... MM


Hey Mulligan,
My wife got all mushy on me the other day.  She wanted to know what I would do if she passed away.  She wanted to know if I could ever consider getting involved with another woman.  And if I did, would I let her live in our same house?  Wanted to know if I would let her sleep in your same bed?  She even asked me if I would let the new woman use her golf clubs?  Man, those were some heavy questions.  My question to you Mulligan Man is that if your wife died, would you let your new girlfriend use her clubs?  Signed Curious.
Curious,
No, she's left-handed. MM


Mulligan Man,
Sometimes I can't fulfill my Golf-Jones because my 8-5 grind keeps getting in the way.   As much as I hate to admit it, I call in with lame excuses like I have a cold, so I can sneak in 18-holes.  However, I think my boss is catching on to me.  I need some new material.  What do you recommend?  Signed Golf Withdrawls.
GWM,
Here is my top three ways to get out of work:
(1).  Tell him that the sun is in your eyes, and you can't see yourself coming to work.
(2). Call in at the last minute and inform Mr. Boss that you forgot that today is the day of your dreaded colonoscopy or procto exam.  No boss wants to get in the way of either of those.
(3).  Tell him you are sick.  When he says you don't sound sick, tell him you are sleeping with your sister.  He'll agree that you are very very sick!!! MM


Mulligan Man,
I have to share a strange golf experience with you.  While golfing at Pelican Hill last week, I nutted my nine-iron on the picturesque third hole, a short par three over a ravine.  Perfect ball flight.  Perfect aim.  One of the best short iron shots I've ever hit.  The ball bounces on the front of the green, bounces twice and goes in the hole.  A wild celebration ensues where I find myself hugging other men.  A minute or so later, Jeff notices that my ball didn't go in the hole, but actually stopped six inches behind, in the shade of the flagstick.  All of a sudden, our man-handling left me with an queezy feeling in my stomach.  I felt violated.  What is your advice?  Signed Homophobe.
Mr. H,
Two things:  One ..., take a good long hot rape shower; one of those you see in the movies where you lie on the shower floor, crying in the fetal position.  And two, never ever golf in a foursome where your partners are wearing ass chaps. MM


Mr. Man,
About a month ago, while returning home from a nice relaxing golf vacation, my wife and I were involved in a horrible car accident.  A deer shot out of nowhere in front of my Lexus.  At that point everything just happened so fast.  I swerved sharply off the road to avoid hitting the deer, but plumetted down an embankment, barely missing some huge boulders and then plunged into a lake.  My car sank quickly and was completely engulfed within 20-seconds.  Luckily, I managed to get the door open and I fought my way to the shore. 
After I caught my breath I realized that my brand new golf clubs were still in the trunk.  Since I wasn't seriously hurt, I jumped in, swam down, popped the trunk open with a branch, and dragged my favorite Pings to the shore.  Man that bag was heavy.  A few moments later I noticed that my brand new Nike golf shoes were not in the bag, so I dove in after those also.  Luckily, after three dives, I was able to locate them in the murky water and today -- they fit like new.  My question to you is, what is your opinion of dating sites such as Match.com?  Signed Water Hazard.
Mr. Hazard,
Maybe you should ask your ex-in laws that question?  My question for you is: Were those the Nike Air Zoom Vapor Golf Shoes, or the Tour Sport style?  MM


Mulligan Dude,
Save me!  My wife and I got into an ugly fight the other day when I got back from my regular Saturday morning round.  She argued that I would rather play golf than have sex with her.  Just so I'm not missing something obvious, what is the main difference between the two?  Signed PW.
PW (Hopefully that doesn't stand for what I think it does!)
The main difference is that during golf you can stop halfway through and enjoy a hot dog and a couple of beers.  MM

 
Hey Mulligan Man,
I took your advice and loaded up on business cards from my favorite restaurant.  The following week, I duck hooked a driver right into someone’s patio door, and sure enough, here comes this Neanderthal—looking dude running after me, yelling, with my golf ball in his hand.  I remembered your advice, and reached in my bag to pull out one of those business cards.  Worked like a charm, until the Neanderthal dude reads the name on the card.  I barely escaped in my golf cart while trying to convince him that my name really was: 
Dr. Hitomi Tanaka
Proctologist
Any advice on avoiding similar incidents in the future?
Dear Doctor Procto,
You should have told the caveman that Hitomi was your dancing name ... and then gave him the finger (with or without a glove ... it's your call!) MM


Mulligan Man,
My wife is frustrated with me and says I spend too much money golfing.  She said that she wants me to spend the same on her.  I was informed that I can’t go golfing again until I buy her something that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds flat.  What do I do? ... Signed Panic Man
Panic Man,
Get her bathroom scale. MM


Dear Mulligan Man,
My girlfriend is smoking hot, but thinks golf is a total waste of time.  She demands that I spend more time with her.  I’m caught between her D-Cups and my three-putts.  What do I do?  ... Signed DISTRACTED - Malibu, CA
Distracted,
Wow, that is a tough one!  I really don’t feel that I can provide you with the proper advice unless you send me photographs of your girlfriend.  I like to thoroughly research my topics. MM


Mulligan Man,
I don’t know what it is, but every time I have to hit a ball over water, I choke up.  My heart races, my palms start sweating, and all I can think about is losing my $4 Titlist.  What is wrong with me?  ... CHOKER - Myrtle Beach, SC
CHOKER DUDE,
What is missing in this equation is the correct amount of swing lubricant.  Like the car you drive, a golf swing needs to be properly primed and lubricated to insure success and performance.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not recommending that you pound six quarts of your favorite cocktail. However, if your shot is a three-wood that needs to carry 230-yards into a head wind to clear the wet stuff, you may need to “drink the shot pretty.”  MM


Dear Mulligan Man,
My usual golf partner on weekends is a club junkie.  There are times when he has 18-20 clubs in his bag.  He insists that the 14-club limit is more of a guideline than a rule.  What do you suggest that I do?  ... SOS
Hey SOS,
With today’s technology, you can literally take matters into your own hands.  Grab your I-phone, snap a photo of one of his eight wedges, and post it on E-Bay.  You can probably have it sold by the time you make the turn.  UPS it from the clubhouse.  Your problem should be solved in a month or so!  MM


Dear Mulligan Man,
I was sitting on the couch a couple weekends ago watching the Deutsche Bank Championship unfold at TPC Boston.  It was a great day.  I took a nap, popped a few beers, and wolfed down a killer pastrami sandwich.  It was a perfect day.  I really enjoyed the drama of Steve Stricker tracking down Jason Dufner for the win.  His skill and determination was over the top.  I wish I had half his skill.  A few holes from the finish, I was faced with a very difficult decision.  Just as Stricker was getting ready to splash one out of a trap, my wife stepped in front of the flat screen wearing nothing but heels.  My thought process was scrambled.  My question to you is … how much time do I need to spend practicing my sand shots in order to be as good as Steve?  ... SIGNED … PGA FAN!
Dear Fan,
WOW ...You really, really, really need to take a break from golf. MM


Mulligan Man,
Give me some real golf advice that I can't read in GOLF DIGEST.  ... Larry B. - Palm Springs, CA
Mr. B,
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is directly through the center of a very large tree.  MM


Mully,
My girlfriend went golfing with me at Pebble Beach and got stung by a bee between the first and second hole.  What should I have done?  ... BeeMan
BM,
You should have told her that her stance was too wide. MM


Mr. Man,
I’m a decent golfer, but constantly fight a horrible slice.  Over the course of my career I have broken my fair share of windows and roof tiles. It is starting to get expensive.  What do you recommend?  ... GOING BROKE - Phoenix, AZ
G.B.,
Golf is all about having fun, so here is what I suggest.  You know how they have those glass fish bowls at restaurants?  The one’s where you drop in your card with the hope of winning a free meal?  Next time you see one, reach in when no one is looking and grab a handful.  Then the next time you shank one into someone’s living room, politely go to the scene of the crime and politely present your new business card.  This one is not only fun for you, but also a ton of laughs for the person expecting the free lunch.  MM

DISCLAIMER:  Since this print is really small and hard to read, GolfestOnline.com feels obligated to provide this legal disclaimer.  We probably should inform you that the Mulligan Man is not officially licensed or authorized to provide any legal, medical, psychological, or for that matter, even basic golf advice.  The advice and opinions expressed by the Mulligan Man are purely his unadulterated opinion and do not reflect the views of Golfest, GolfestOnline, the Napa State Mental Institution, or the National Football League.  In the event you are offended by any of the material provided, you really should get a life.  I mean it --- REALLY, go get one!!!  Instead of cruising golf sites like this one, you should be Twitter-ing yourself with little things like … “I am a loser!” and … “I have no life!”  The term Mulligan is defined as a “do-over” in golf, or a chance to make things right, especially after duck-hooking a Titlist rocket into a lake.  Please be advised that “do-overs” do not apply to politicians like Nancy Pelosi.  The Mulligan Man is in fact a fictional character and should not be portrayed as a super-hero of any kind.  He should not be confused with Superman or Batman, or any of the Fantastic Four.  However, if he was a superhero, his special talents would be to helicopter a putter about 100-yards after missing a two-footer for par, producing a divot big enough to bury a small aninmal, drinking Vodka-Cranberries, going on fantastic golf trips, and occasionally hitting a great golf shot.  Possible side effects include diarrhea, unexplained pregnancies, bleeding from the eyes, uneven tire wear, kidney failure, unemployment, brain tumors, uncontrollable flatulence, extra nipples, divorce, possible death, thoughts of suicide, strange body piercings, hair loss, an exploding prostrate, and an erection that lasts for more than four hours.  But that is a whole different topic.  Void where prohibited by law or good taste. 

If you have a question for the Mulligan Man, fire off your e-mails to Top100@golfestonline.com

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